You’re a Useless Carp Angler if you do any 5 of These 7 Things

If you are more than one of these things, stop wondering why you're heading to the lake alone.


We’ve all seen them, you know, the numpties on the bank thinking they’re amazing.

If you haven’t seen them, unfortunately I have news for you, you’re the numpty.

To be sure, these 7 things will act as a test, if you have/do 5 of them, i’d start worrying.

1. You use a bait boat

OK, I’m not going to lie, I have an insatiable hatred for bait boats,

For me, its lazy, plain and simple.

Don’t even get me started on mounting a fish finder on it too, you do realise fish swim right. I remember the days when carp fishing was about pitting yourself against a few, wiley carp, what has happened to us?

It gets worse.

It’s not only lazy it’s plain stupid too as it takes longer than casting a dozen times to hit that spot.

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How many golfists do you see using a RC car to drop their crappy little ball on the green, I mean come on guys, if people who play golf are the bench mark here we’ve all got issues.

Just don’t do it, don’t be a prick.

2. You love adding salt & tuna to your ‘munga’

There aren’t many things that fairy-arse speaks about that don’t get taken up by the masses these days but jesus, we’ve been keeping Tidmans salt in business for years now.

For decades anglers have been adding all and sundry to their mixes, I remember thinking I was quality wrapping my cat food chunks in gravy as a kid, but somehow because DF says so, it changed the world as we knew it.

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Years later it’s still there, a few white crystals is all it takes to catch some carp, mental.

3. You’re using a ‘splash mat’

If our ‘game’ couldn’t get any more vain, think again, splash mats are coming in their hordes.

Some of you may have seen them on TV or under some twats rods at Linear because there’s a bit of drizzle.

I bet these are the same idiots who get out the shower for a slash and take wet wipes fishing.

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There was me thinking carp angling was an outdoor pursuit. Imagine Chris Yates’s face.

4. Your misses comes along for ‘company’

Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes you have no choice.

Sometimes you’ve got to take the ball and chain down the pond just to show her you’re actually fishing, not down Spearmint Rhino like she thinks.

For some reason, they never believe you, literally rather go fishing.

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But, we’ve all the seen the dudes who are constantly in the dog house and pretending to enjoy themselves, come on ladies, give the dude a break, how can he moan about you and tell his mates how much of a pain you are with you about?

5. You’re constantly watching/using your phone or ipad

A huge peeve of mine is people who go fishing and spend all day and night texting, watching videos and laughing to themselves in the process.

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Come on dude, you can do that home, you know what you cant do at home? Fucking fish. Get on with it.

I’ve literally gone home out of pure frustration when ‘fishing’ with people chuckling away in there bivvy and needing to go to places where there’s power in the peg so there phone doesn’t die.

6. You think Drayton Res is ‘where it’s at’

I live fairly near Drayton, within 30 mins or so and I can honestly say i’ve been 3 times.

Every one of those times was because the plagued water was the only place not frozen in the depths of winter, that’s my excuse and I’ll stick to it.

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Anyway, I was so utterly shocked on each of those occasions how easy the place is.

Believe it or not though, there’s people who travel from all over the country to go there for a few days and catch the same size, shape and colour carp every 26.5 minutes (I here that’s the average time to catch for a beginner).

Even worse, they actually believe that it’s what carp fishing is about, turning up, casting out whatever you fancy wherever you fancy putting it and catching. Closely followed by the social-boasting and hours of utter bollocks about “cracking the place”.

7. You are actually Jim Shelley

I don’t even need to comment, just look at him.

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You’re a Useless Carp Angler if you do any 5 of These 7 Things

Comments 3

  1. Dude, get off your I’m Gods gift to carp fishing in the planet trip.Get off the drugs or stop sniffing old boilies, whichever. The majority of us (Carp anglers- fishermans) love the Sport, but, and I speak for myself!!! see no Need to stick to what some one in particular thinks is right or not. And by the way, YES, I do use a bait boat and a fish finder, try getting your head out of your B—- and stop trying to control the world of carp fishing

    1. Hi Milton, thanks for the positive message.

      *fishermen

      FYI, i’m a shit carp angler, hence why i’m sitting indoors writing this bollocks.

      CFH.

  2. I love this post! So many awesome quotes, I’ve created a list:

    1: “There was me thinking carp angling was an outdoor pursuit. Imagine Chris Yates’s face.”
    2: “Just don’t do it, don’t be a prick.”
    3: “Don’t be Jim Shelley”

    Top work! 😉

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